Fear

Today could have been better. I got some stuff packed, gathered up my art stuff that I am taking with me, finished editing senior pictures, and made a stencil design for my sketch book. (I'll do a different post on this later)

This whole day I have had a headache and been sick to my stomach. In just about a week, I will be on my way to Idaho. As I have said so many times before I am so scared. This is making me just one hot mess, well maybe drop the hot part. Pretty much just a mess. I feel like I have been distant, lazy, sensitive, and emotionally drained because of it. 

In the mist of all this I wanted to find a quote or song that was about what I am feeling. This was one of the first results on google, and it couldn't be more perfect; "They key to change is to let go of fear."

I hate change beyond explanation. I also have a lot of fears, and those fears happen to evolve around moving away and the social changes that can come with it. I fear that my best friends will move on and that I will be replaced because I can't be there for them, due to distance. I fear that I won't be able to manage my own life, like an adult should. I fear that I won't accomplish my aspirations in life. I fear that some of my goodbyes will be permanent. 

No matter how much my friends and family reassure me these possibilities are not likely to happen, I still struggle with not letting these define me. We all have fears, some are serious and some are not, but they are real and steadfast. Being rational about the fear is impossible. For example, spiders do not scare me at all. I don't get why they freak others out. I mean, our feet are like 100 times bigger than the spider, so we have all the power and can easily squish it. Does this lessen the feeling the one afraid of spiders feels? No. 

Same thing with my fears of growing up and going away. 

I am such an outgoing person, and I know that I have things going for me. I have experienced lots of times in life where I couldn't imagine being in a state of tranquility again, both for huge struggles and sometimes over little dramatic issues. Clearly I have made it through, and my life is still fantastic. I have great memories and experiences, along with amazing people I have shared them with. I now this will be just another one of those times, but for now I'm living in a state of fear.

This will pass, I promise. For now, I must take it one breathe, one box, one task, one class, and one day at a time. I will be looking forward to the day when I can look back and laugh at myself for overreacting so much. My mom gave me an infinity ring for my past birthday, and inside she had engraved, "Keep Calm and ...." Keep Calm and Carry On is one of my favorite things, and I love the variations that are created with it. My mom knows me best, and staying calm is something that I will always need to be reminded of in my life. How stay calm is what will vary. Right now, I will Keep Calm and Breathe. Life can purpose struggles, and we must remember those who love us. People who love one another can fight, they can laugh, and they can cry. Luckily I have experienced all the above with those who mean something to me.

Lots of random thoughts, but is something that is just as important to document among the transitions from one chapter into the other.

With Love,

Ciara Ann