These changes are tough for me right now. As my family keeps telling me, "it is just the end of one chapter." You know what, they are right. It is ultimately the mystery of the unknown blank pages that lay before me that scare me. I think that filling these "blank" pages up will not only benefit my family/friends at home, but myself as well. Most know that my favorite song lyrics from my favorite band is "We all have a story to tell," and between my jam sessions this summer of He is We and Natasha Beningfeild's anthem on growing up, "Unwritten", I couldn't think of a better name for my blog.
Within the past 2 weeks I have had to say some really hard goodbyes. Two were expected, and one was not. Having two out of my three best friends live on the other side of the country is a thought that has worn me down mentally, but I was told that it isn't goodbye but a see you later. With the unexpected passing of my Aunt Tammy two weeks ago, I worry that maybe a see you later won't cut it. She was my Mom's best friend, and they still had many years to go, and life experiences to share together, but all of it was lost just over night. The role it is playing on my mom is scary, and I have become afraid that my see you laters will turn into goodbyes without my permission. I don't mean I think everyone is going to die off, but that life may take us in different places. I think what if all these difference scenarios happen, and my kids won't be able to experience the same love I experienced from my Uncle Byron, Aunt Tammy, etc with their Auntie Bruna, Uncle Konner, or crazy Aunt Anna.
Giving Bruna and Konner their farewells hugs was a mix of 10000 different emotions and thoughts. There was the obvious terror of the future, the sadness, distance that will be between us, but there were also the over-flooding levels of gratitude that I was trying to fit into that one hug.
I was trying to say thank you for being there for me, thank you for letting me attach myself to you, thank you for living the memories with me, thank you for the laughter that will cause me to live twice as much longer.
To Bruna, my biggest thanks was, 'thank you for being the friend who reminded me to stay on the straight and narrow path when I would occasionally loosen my grip, thank you for being my sister in Zion.'
My thanks to Konner? 'Thank you being apart of my life at a time when I most needed it. Because we were so much alike, I discovered that all the love I had for you are some of the same reason I should love myself. Thank you for, unknowingly, healing those wounds I had from the younger years, and showing me what a difference one person can do in your life."
I don't know if all this (^^^^) was communicated via osmosis in my last hug with each of them, but I would like to think it went as the saying goes, "Silence speaks when words can't."
These are just the start of the "see you laters" that are to come, along with the start of the self discoveries I will be sharing. This summer has been pretty great for that. I have surprised myself on who I have spent most of my summer with, but that's why there were blank pages at the start of summer.
The lessons from making a new friend to the lessons of never giving up on one will be shared soon enough. As I have always said, my job is to love and support whoever comes into my life. It may not be easy, but it is a journey I would gladly take with anyone.
This post was simple for the first one, but the ones too come will be a testament to my start of adulthood. I wanted to leave you with a song. I wanted to make a mix-tape all Perks of Being a Wallflower style for Konner when he leaves. (Still waiting for my tunnel moment...but I bet we will have plenty of chances for that) This song was directed towards for him, but in a way it is for all those who worry about what the unpredictable future has on our friendship. This is to Konner, Bruna, the newer friend, the friend I never lost hope on, and all those in between. I'll be there for you because I know you will be for me too; Count on Me by Bruno Mars.
With Love,
Ciara
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